I am a lazy person. Just look at my lawn. The neighbors pass our home and shake their heads, feeling they must express their opinion about my lawn. Usually beginning with "It's a shame," I know what that means. Along the same lines as "bless your heart," Maybe someone will pray for my lawn? Dear lord, please send this man power! Motorized power! Maybe a 72" zero-turn mower? Lawnmowers from Heaven!

 

 That would be so fricken cool! I could sell it and buy a new car! Bless my little Yankee heart!

 

 I never understood these perfect lawns. What's wrong with dandelions? They taste pretty good. And what the fuck is crabgrass? I happen to like weeds. Some are quite tasty and have pretty flowers. We have a bunny who comes out in the evenings to eat the clover on our lawn. An adorable little bunny!

 

Lawnmowers from Heaven could be the next book I write! But I have to write the first one. Oh, I have it all planned out. The first one will be called Growing Up Rich! GUR for short. It would begin at my birth. I do not remember the exact moment, but I was there, so I could make shit up. I am entitled to that. I actually have written some of this book. I even have some photos. I am about five years into this book; I hope to be done soon. I would finish it, but I am.

 

 I am lazy, remember, I am the guy who is too lazy to mow his lawn, or wash his car.

 

 I drove by the car wash the other day. There is a little section where you pull over after going thru the car wash to dry and polish your car. It had been a good day, and there is nothing more demoralizing than driving past all the smiling happy people hand polishing their fancy cars and $80,000 trucks!

 

Sitting at the stoplight, I looked around at the inside of my car; yes, it was a hot mess. My car also has mice! I do not see them very often, but I know that they are there. Just the fact of knowing that they are there is comforting. Long drives are no longer as lonely.

 

 I once had a whole ecosystem inside my car. It began with the rotten banana peel. As the banana peel decayed, bacteria grew and then came mold and fungus. I was hoping wild mushrooms would grow, but they never did. Mushrooms have to be in a sterile environment. I bet the mushroom world grows inside one of those giant suburbans that the rich soccer moms polish at the car wash! I could see it now, an angry social media post, "Somebody has to do something about this! Mushrooms are growing inside my suburban! Whom can I sue? The car manufacturer? On the other hand, maybe the soccer field keeper allows mushroom seeds to grow. Then, James's clothes carry the seeds into my car!"

 

 I would reply to that post if I used social media for what it was designed to do, create a platform for bitching. "First of all, lady, mushrooms do not produce seeds; they produce and multiply by spores; these little spores require the correct conditions to grow. You obviously did not study biology in school. Instead, you were on your knees for the senior quarterback, who later slapped you around and dumped you for the next bimbo. However, it was worth it. You got to go to all the best parties, and he had such a nice car!"

 

I get it. I would have done the same. His abs were amazing! However, I am too lazy!

 

 It is easy to identify the economic status of soccer moms. At one end of the spectrum, you have the soccer mom driving the dented white 17 year old faded minivan with four different tires, a red fender on the passenger side along with the cracked windshield. The back window still has the sticker, HOWS MY DRIVING?

 

Moving up a bit, the newer midsized SUV. No older than seven years old, but no newer than 4 years old. These are for new moms with only one kid. These moms often are conned into hauling everyone elses brat around because they are ambitious and have a career. Not a job but a CAREER.

 

Every other week, the big boss from corporate flies in for meetings that "I cannot miss. Can you pick up my darling little Susie on your way from picking up your, uhm, j..jo...your son? I knew you would say yes! How can I ever thank you? It will be just this one time! I promise!"

 

Oh, BEekabee, then!

 

"Listen here, CAREER Bitch. To begin with, I do not give a fuck about your career, and my son's name is Joseph! This will not be one time as this is the 17th fricken time, and you can thank me by paying my fucking mortgage, career bitch! In addition, I also have a career; it is called being a MOM AND having a job! Bitch".

 

You go, girl!

 

The top-level kid hauler is the super oversized SUV, Suburbans, Expeditions, etc. It is priced out for qualified buyers at an affordable $117,000. It's Quite a deal if you ask me. One of those babies would be a mobile home on four wheels for me. I could create a mobile homestead. Raise some chickens, maybe a small garden, and rent space to a roommate who goes by Howeird to help pay for it! I think I see a new business venture: mobile rentals! Yes! You get the space between the fourth and fifth rows of seating next to the chicken coop. $750.00 a month! And fresh eggs.

 

But the reality, folks, is that these vehicles are for the elite socialite moms. The ones where status is everything. Everyone knows you need a six-figure vehicle to haul around your two spoiled brats. Be sure to not forget the puppy that you surrendered to the shelter because it got dog hair in your SUV,  you fucking bitch. Yes, I said that. Could not control myself.

 

Have you mentioned yet that I am lazy?

 

I spent my youth fishing, playing baseball, and riding bicycles. When I should have been working. I know, I know. When you were my age, you had four jobs. As I got older, things got worse. I had only one 40 an hour a week job. In my spare time, I continued fishing, riding, and racing bicycles. A poor excuse for a man. Remind me to tell you someday how I was permanently banned from getting my man card. I am so lazy, I know.

 

 My old friend Ozzie used to call me a 9 to fiver because I was not a lonely, miserable man with no friends and did not work 80 hours a week. I am sorry, I am a lazy man.