Topics come to me in many ways and at odd times, I guess that I would not expect anything less from myself! This is not a new subject for me, but it resurfaced recently and enough pieces have come together for me to attempt to assemble those pieces into what was originally a short piece that now will be multi parts. 

For the most part this is as all of my work, un edited. Un edited may suit me just fine, all neat, tidy, and in order is not really me. Should my writing be? I write for myself, so it is ok. Even spell-check has a problem with me!

 "You are never as good as you think you are" That statement could be interpreted in many different ways. Recently I spent a day in my toy boat fishing. Preparing my gear for the day my confidence grew, it was going to be a great day and due to my expert skills I was going to catch so many fish. Not just many fish, but so many fish. Not only many fish, but big fish. Fish bigger than anyone has ever seen. Me. I. I was going to do it, better than. any one! Me I. Me I. Oh! 

I am joking of course. But to be truthful, my confidence was very high. I had a plan. Was I so wrong! You are never as good as you think you are. Throughout my life, I have tried many things. I am so very grateful to have had the opportunities available. In our great country do not be misled, many opportunities DO exist for those who are willing to try. 

Growing up Baseball was a sport I really enjoyed, as was outdoor sports like fishing. Later bicycles became a big part as well. My only real regret is that I never had time to do them all as much as I desired! Baseball was great, even though I was only an average player, I loved the game. Fishing, I fared a bit better. For over a dozen years, I competed on local and various regional tournament circuits. Good times. Also difficult times. 

In 1988, a "new" sport was gaining in popularity. Mountain biking! 

STOP!

 I have to include this little nugget of information! This is not fake news or a conspiracy theory. Anyone who has been involved in mountain biking has probably heard about the "history" of mountain. Biking. How it got its start in Marin County California. The "fathers" of the sport get the credit (That is horse hockey). Us little longhaired brats in Southern Vermont began woods riding in the early 1970's. True story. I do not want to divulge too much information yet, as I am writing a piece that I may call "The real history of mountain biking" We were dumbass kids, so no one cared. The dope smoking hippies in California knew how to market "their" sport. 

Sorry to get of topic (not really). But back to the topic, I always thought I was badass at everything I did. So much so I was told over and over to not be overconfident or "cocky". Being good at something, talking about, doing, all was said to be showing off. My interpretation of this was: Do not talk about what you can do. Do not say " I can do that" If you hit a home run do not celebrate Be average. There are different ways to look at that. You can certainly be over confident like I was on a recent fishing trip. You can also be cocky, which I hope I have not come across that way to anyone. If I have, I am sorry. Really. 

MY BADDASS LOOK

Now, I could be labeled a hippocritter. Here I am writing about me, myself. And I. I guess I am guilty? That is funny! I do not feel guilty! But here is what happened when I was brainwashed about being over confident. I lost ALL confidence in myself. I withdrew, and even I believe beginning at from about age 8 to 22, I dwelled in a suppressed state. You may be wondering how being told to not be overconfident or cocky would affect me in this way? It was like this. ANY sign of confidence, or something as simple as saying " I know " was punished. Not physically, but verbally. So I said fuck you. Yep. Not out loud, but many times internally. So I withdrew. But, I could not be stopped! Sounds overconfident? 

I created my own world. I had my Lab, I had the Green Mountains, I had woods, I had a swamp I explored, and some amazing streams. So I hid. And I learned. I learned things that no one could ever teach me. I got lost, I disappeared, I did not want to be found. I was finding what I wanted and at the time did not know it. Even though I was alone most of the time, I was never lonely. I had some great influencers around as well (ha-ha) drugs and alcohol were present, easy to come by. Marijuana, cocaine, and alcohol. A great mix for my youth. I feel fortunate that these drugs were not present in my lab or woods. I was never as high on drugs as when in my woods, fucked up? But not high. I feel fortunate to have survived those years, only years later did alcohol play a short negative part in my life.

 It needs to be noted that my parents did support some of my developing interest, they did. Which I am grateful. But, to them they were just hobbies. Play time. To me, it was my life. I wanted to do this stuff for life. Their support as many parents only went so deep. Hobbies are not as important as school, getting a job, going into debt, join a bowling league. Important stuff. Stop dreaming kid, and get a real job! The funny part of that statement is that it went into my forties! 

Rambling on, mountain biking and running became a big part in my early twenties, I credit it to pulling me a little bit out of my secluded world, not that it catapulted me to some extraordinary level, but I began to grow even more! Still, I was growing, learning. Learning how to live, how to be me without hiding it any more with a fear of being ridiculed or chopped down. I began doing even more things alone, travelling, dirt bag camping. At a very young age I also learned that if you really want to do many weird things, you will have to do them alone. Those things also drew criticism, "you are weird" "you are a loner" etc. Yes, guilty as charged. 

I was the creepy guy who was alone a lot and may become a serial killer. Nope. Notta. I became happier, and guess what? CONFiDENT! Yes! I stood up for myself! Bullied no more! (That is another story). I rode my bike, I ran, joined some races. Success was only marginal, but I was improving, the progress I saw drove me to train harder! Then. I found competitive fishing, and it ruined my life. ( not really, but it builds drama!) 

My bike collected layers of dust, my running shoes became still. I found some early success tournament fishing at the club level. It was so much fun! This immediate success do I dare say lifted my confidence up. I bought another better boat, joined more competitive trails and I went on the road. Then the accusations began. Yep. Friends I had would not go with me because I allowed NO alcohol in the boat. Even though I would drink when off the water. My father would not go because I would not allow smoking in my boat OR truck. So I became an asshole. "He thinks he is too good for us now" One fishing partner, a friend from High School very angrily parted ways with me after I asked to split expenses. I was an asshole now for asking for a few bucks to coved gas in my truck and boat. Oh well. Call me azzhola.  

I am proud for standing up for myself. Sometimes being the asshole is necessary. Do not get pushed around. Over the next few years I even questioned my decision to finally end the free loading, and as my name was dragged through the mud all over town it became apparent that I made the correct decision. 

So now that I have whined my sob story and bored you to death, the topic "you are never as good as you think" is so real. I use fishing, mountain biking, and running quite often as platforms for my examples. Quite often the platforms are not important, but the examples that manifest are the stars of the show. Even if you have absolutely no interest in those topics, I am hoping that some good will surface from my writing. 

On the recent. Fishing trip I sucked. I doubted my ability. Several times I was ready to just give up. Throw all my gear in the shed and walk away. "I quit" Silly me. I should have known better. Something clicked. Was it the wind? Was it the smell of the pines that grew on the land that surrounded the water? Or was it the staring contest with the Green Heron that hunted the shoreline in front of me? Something came over me, a relaxed calmness. I could taste the color of the trees, it was probably the pine pollen in the air! Before the waves were tossing me and my toy boat around as I fought the wind. Now. I moved with the wind and waves. Moving as one, flowing. Sounds nuts? All woo woo? Next I will tell you about the Peyote? No, sorry wrong guy! Not that I am not curious about hallucinogens, not todays topic. 

I packed up all my shit, put away loose tackle. Took a drink of water and a nibble. Rigged up one rod and began picking the cover apart. I knew that there was fish here (here we go again, the C word). Pitching silently to every little stick as I stealthily moved around this pocket. It was more like stalking than fishing. I had been watching guys fish these same places all day. I observed, I did not spy. I was not watching to see what secret lure they used, I could give a rats ass what lure they are using. I noticed a many things. 1, They were very fast. Which is not a bad thing. 2, They stayed way back from cover. 3, They did not penetrate cover. 4, They did not hit far back of pockets. 5, Did not get under trees. 

The many things I was noticing were helping me put the puzzle together! These other anglers helped me eliminate variables. Seeing them not catching fish was much more important than if they caught fish. So now, I had a pattern without catching a fish, or seeing someone catch a fish. Fishing to the back of the pocket I got a bite, dang. A big bream. Continuing around the pocket, fish! A three pounder has me over a limb and comes off! Awesome! A bite. The fish came off, and that is ok. It was a clue. That boosts my "C". five minutes later a two pounder then another three! F yeah! 

So off two the next pocket, first the downstream side. Notta. The back. Notta. The upstream side. Bam! A 2,5! Then break off a good fish. That is it! Back half of pockets on the upstream side! Move to another pocket, repeat! success! Take note, this is not a piece about what lures to use, or colors, etc. That shit is easy (cocky?) Figure that out for yourself. 

This is about CONFIDENCE, adjusting, reading your surroundings, awareness. It is also about being humbled and frustrated as I was most of the day. My best days on the water, and even on my bike, or while on a long run is when everything just clicked. I have learned so much from 6 plus hour mountain bike rides and 10 plus mile runs. My mind goes into places that it would never reach. Focusing on the moment. Not looking ahead or dwelling on any previous frustrations. Even when your feet hurt, or your arms and shoulders hurt so bad that you do not think you can hold on to the bars any longer, you go on. focusing each step. Every breath, your legs are cramping, and you may even see things that are not really there. With no drugs! 

Long endurance activities will humble you. And inspire you to try more, the same goes for competing against those who are better, you may get you but kicked, that is a good thing. Many times I have been told that I am not good enough to fish tournaments. Or I am not good enough to race. Fuck em. Do it anyways, you may not win. but you will learn. The tournaments that I have won. I never went in thinking I would win (how is that for confidence?) But instead I began with silence, relaxed, not looking back, or looking forward, I was on auto pilot. Things just happened. How does all this tie together? I am not really sure. But I have a few ideas.

Confidence is important. Experience is not as important as we are told. In fact, I believe creativity, awareness, and reasoning to be much more important than experience. Experience only shows what you have done, not what you can do. There are no secrets. Be aware Do not fight The elements. You will lose. There are many ways that overconfidence can help you fail. Not being prepared. Not being aware. Skipping training. Saying that you know something, or that you are good at something is not overconfidence. Lying and saying that you are good at something can be considered overconfident. But if you really possess a skill and know it, is that being over confident? It important that you know what your strengths are. Knowing your strengths AND weaknesses is someone who can be successful. A tip is to focus more on your weakness more than your strengths. if every time you do something that is your strong point it will not make you better. Period. 

Why try to make a strong thing stronger? There are more benefits to making a weakness stronger. So many times while I rode I would hear "I am not a good climber" "I am good at downhill's" if you are good at downhill's how much room is there for improvement during a long ride or race? 5%? 10%? What if you did things to improve your climbing? You could see 20-30% overall improvement. I know, not everyone who rides wants to be a better climber. Climbing is hard, and most do not enjoy the effort, or pain. I heard a great endurance racer say "you cannot win a race by going downhill, but you sure can lose one" Great advice for long distance event. A fast downhill rider may gain 5-10% on a downhill portion, but once again a good climber will gain more climbing. Look at the math. Downhill portions of a long race take less time than the climbing portions. So 10% of a short portion will be much less time gained than 20% of a longer portion! Crashing will most always be on downs.

 Am I a racer? No. Have I trained and gotten better? Certainly! Anyone who chooses to can. But we all do have our limits. My limit came a couple of years ago. I will be covering that subject soon! Whatever activity you choose, have fun! I hear time and time again, " I wish I could do what you do", "Too busy", "I wish I could go the places you go". One of the funniest things I have hear is " your wife lets you do that?" Yes, my wife does. I am very fortunate that we both realize that we need to live. Tammy and I have many of the same interest, however we also have just as many interest that we do not share. It is not fair to suppress the others interest or force the other to do things he or she does not like. That is a recipe for problems. I have been told that we have a strange marriage. Strange is ok with us! 

My take on this is that you do not have to be good at something to do it. Do it anyways. Do not take unexplained "no's" Learn to say NO. Two very important qualities. Bad criticism comes from small minds, out of resentment and jealousy. Bad criticism is not a bad thing. it shows you whom to avoid. Be wary of unsolicited help and advice. There are usually strings attached. Move every day. Ask questions. Do something creative every day. Read a book. Run away. Get lost.

More to come! Until next time. GET WILD!