WHY WOULD ANYONE DO THIS?

Once again, why? Writing is nothing new to me, For many years I have always had a notebook at hand. For many years and even now I am a list maker. I love to make list. The list could be anything, and I do mean everything! A habit of this list making is that when I am away from home I make. List of things I need to do at home. This piece is not about list, so let's get back on topic. Writing, why? Why would I or anyone wish to write? Who am I to think. I am good enough to write? Who is to say that you have to be good at anything to want to do it? Society says you have to be good BEFORE you can do things. How does that work? Someone please tell me? I have my opinions about that, but I am not sharing that today. In my early twenties I began actually writing.  A few times I even tried 'journaling' but that sucked. For me it did. I just never had the desire for that type of writing. To this day I still do not journal. There times what I write could be called journaling. On occasions I will write down the events of a day, how I am feeling, etc.

Around this same time someone I knew allowed me to read journals they had kept since their mid teens. For their privacy and trust in me I will not go into detail, but what I read gave me a highlight reel of many low points in this person's life, things that few knew, and the ones who were directly involved did not care, or were too blind to see the negative impact on this young person. It taught me so much about people, these people put the blame on this person for their problems. There was much verbal and psychological abuse. To say the least I was extremely disturbed by what I learned. Mad was an understatement. Confused as well. This individual had some serious mental scarring, but as if some sort of Stockholm Syndrome https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stockholm_syndrome they would not stand up to them, or distance from them, and still caved into their demands. I never did understand. It is easy for me to say that I would have never let that happen to myself, but when you live in that world it appears normal, even if it is so very painful and damaging. From the outside it was obvious, along the way I also learned that some others were also aware of some of the same things that I was, and also accepted it! Crazy shit. I do not understand.

Why did I include a personal experience of another? I think it was a very important example how someone who is struggling is blamed for the issues that they are struggling with. In this case it took years of repeated abuse AND being sheltered from the outside world to NOT to see that this treatment was wrong. Being sheltered from the outside world kept this person in the control of their captors. Strong accusation? Yes, very strong, strength and understanding is what it takes to begin to separate and rebuild. You see, these 'captors' never let go, never had any intention of letting go. Even though over several years some progress was made, the captors remained in control. That was many years ago, I do not forgive, or forget. I do however learn from difficult experiences and move on. This mid twenties time and even into my thirties was a confusing and sometimes difficult time for me, I was caught in between no less than six different worlds at the same time, my life was wide open and ever changing. I had big ideas, bold ideas, and no one was going to get in my way. Well, they did get in my way. Sadly, I let them get in my way. It took a while before I finally, sorted things out. A long while. My writing continued, many words were written, how-to's, and many more list. Included in these scribbling were also many detailed hand sketches of all the wondrous feats of engineering I came up with, mad scientist style. Drawings of various devices, contraptions, and even artistic attempts. Much of which never came to life. Some did! Or, should I say were attempted! Many failed, and that is good, the world was not ready for me at that time! Is the world ready for me now? Who am I to even make a statement such as that? Who do I think I am? Good question. It really does not matter, what matters is I am doing it, it may not be good, but I have to begin somewhere. I say "begin somewhere" like I have some big vision, plan, or desire for the writing experiment to go someplace? That is why I consider writing another one of my experiments because I do not know what I want out of it or where it will go. I have no end goal in sight, it just feels like something I want to do. That is exactly why I am doing it, as an experiment, my experiment. Many experiments fail, AND that is ok, because out of the process new things will be learned, new trails will be taken, and no one knows what lays around the next corner, until you get there.